Gouache on paper, May 2010

Labels have always been a tricky topic for me. On one hand they limit, in the same way a photograph limits a memory. They put boundaries or definitions on something that, really, cannot be bounded or defined.

On the other hand, there is something lost when something is not called by its true name, in the same way something is gained when a true name reveals itself.

We are always wary of putting labels on romantic relationships–dating, exclusive dating, MU, boyfriend-girlfriend, friends with benefits, “it’s complicated”–and often I’ve wondered whether all these options are really necessary. Or if they are truthful. Or a more pressing concern, if they are self-fulfilling. Maybe relationships these days are complicated precisely because we’ve created spaces for these complications, by giving them names!

Friendships, in contrast, are simpler, and less debated. I’ve written about the freer dynamics of friendship and how it “marks a life even more deeply than love,” and I still love rereading that post.

Julian Sleigh, in his lovely book “Friends and Lovers”, writes:

There are warm places in every person’s soul.

These places can be filled with feeling for others, and those others can be aware of this feeling.  Something passes between persons who carry in themselves a warm feeling for each other: Feeling itself flows through those souls and unites them.  And openness towards this power of feeling enables the warm places in each person to be alive and active.

Friendship can only exist in such warm places.

A basic yet warm and fuzzy definition of a friend. Someone you’d share hot cocoa with on the quietest of Christmas mornings, when soulful conversation and affection are most valued:

* “something is weaving between you and me”
* “I feel good in your presence”
* “I feel reassured by you even when you are not near”
* “there’s something radiating in us which I like and cherish”
* … and this “something” can’t be explained… we “see” each other; we have mutual “regard”, you enable me to feel valuable

* “You meet me but do not invade me”

We long to be met, even more than to meet… and this allows us to accept ourselves and to open ourselves to our own inspirations, personal inflow of ideas…and in this state of reassurance, we have a healing experience.“

But what makes a friend a best friend? What else is there between two friends whose friendship will withstand time, separation, and the lowest of lows?

Be aware of karma and when debt is released– a moment of joy! a chance for a friendship that is free and not out of obligation, based on love! This is friendship in the level of spiritual essence of a person, deeper and more constant than the personalities of the friends, and not jeopardized by daily circumstances and passing fancies.

That last part is critical, because I think romantic love or a young friendship stays in that lower realm–personality-based, flighty, very changeable with every passing fancy. A deeper love (some would say, the only real love) is something more constant, explained further below:

* deep relating, person to person
* meeting and being met
* “I” to “I” in safety
o in unwavering loyalty
o in deep understanding and support
o in full regard for the eternal in each other
o in total reliability

* possible to men and women who are free individuals, self-actualizing, rounded personalities, congruent yet aware of their shadows and weaknesses
* able to soar in their truly spiritual selves to the heights of nobility and love, and touch the truth in each other, undisturbed by sexual and emotional self-indulgence,
* and then descend from the heights bonded by a covenant they will never break: for they have dared to meet the good in each other, and the beautiful.

A best friend is someone you feel safe with, someone you can do the most stupid things with, launch the most insane ideas to, and still feel whole, respected, and not judged. There is no mommy-ing the other–you are both adults, each in your own stage on your journey, each going at your own pace.

This kind of intimacy, this sharing of self, Sleigh calls spiritual love, and its only agenda is tohelp a person to be free to be himself:

I like you as you are, with your personality…the most important gift I can give to you is to believe in your own true self and never to let it fade from my mind. When life is tough and when you are feeling down, I will try by my very closeness to reassure you of your infinite value–to me, to the world, and above all to yourself. And I know you will do the same for me.

Who can you say this to, sincerely?  Who do you already say it to?

Gouache and poster paint on sandpaper, 2004

I saw Toy Story 3 two days ago.

I thought it was a good movie… and as a dear friend would say, may puso (it has heart).

My childhood wasn’t abundant with toys, or toys that I got attached to though. I think after a poltergeist attack by a stuffed koala at age 4 or 6, my brothers and I stayed well away from toys. My favorite times as a child were sleeping in blanket houses (bahay-bahayan), complete with bulbs from broken down toys as night lamps, and biking around the village, looking for old houses to make into our clubhouse. Come to think of it, we kids stayed outdoors a lot, played kickball, swam, got filthy and sweaty, as kids are supposed to get.

The movie that I connected with more than Toy Story 3 was Bridge to Terabithia. For me that captured the imagination of a child at play and it touched me deeply; I cried lots watching it, and probably because the play that it featured didn’t involve toys. Having a five-year-old niece in my life, I’m now wary of toys and giving kids toys, that there’s something unnatural and limiting about playing with toys (modern toys especially).

When I was in late grade school, I always used Peter Pan to describe myself–the boy who didn’t grow up– and I was nene that way. Always with lit up eyes when it came to fantasy and role-play. I honestly believed I was never going to be a grown up, maybe because I also believed the world would end by 2000. I don’t think I ever bothered with adult things until college itself…

In that way I’m grateful for my childhood. I wasn’t a precocious child who was in a hurry to grow up… and even boys were a hovering but still distant concern.

I hope all the kids in our generation’s care–our children, nieces, nephews, godchildren–still grow up with the familiarity and accessibility of imagination. Watching Toy Story 3 with my niece was promising. I especially loved it when she would sit up and down in her seat, then clap, or raise her arm while rooting for Woody—reminded me of myself and how I reacted to Falcor and Bastian flying together in Neverending Story (and this was when I saw it again last year! hahaha…)

Hugs lots, friends.  Let us remember our childhood (with or without toys) not just with fondness, but with deep thanks, for the wonders and vividness we took from it, and now pass on to the new kids in our lives ;).

Gouache on paper, May 2010

Gouache on paper, May 2010

Inspired by Rumi.

Today I woke up with an envelope slipped under my door–it was a card for me!! Not an invitation, not a sales flyer, not a bill to be paid, but a personal card, just for me. Was enough to make me jump up and down with glee… how lovely it is to get something in the mail, especially in this world of emails and texts and easy “connectedness”!  What made it more special was that it was from my best friend, who I see almost three times a week! She’s really so cute, thank you Pachichi! 🙂 🙂

This week I also sent out my share of happy cards– mini-paintings for an Artist Postcard Exchange Project. The idea is to swap original art, much like a penpal exchange, but for artists: “We send original art postcards to each other! Just post your address so you can receive and send postcards from around the world.”

Oh lovely.

To quote from Olga of the Artist Postcard Exchange, “Snail mail is now poetry.”

🙂

Sweet is the memory of Jesus, giving true joys to the heart; but sweeter beyond honey and all else is his presence.

– quoted by Aldous Huxley in The Perennial Philosophy

Memory and presence.  Two sweet joys, but they don’t go hand in hand, they are not two of the same thing.

When all we have is memory–of a loved one, a cherished friendship, a triumph at work–there is a tendency to pedestal it, or maybe romanticize it until it suits us and what we need from it at that moment.  We remember the sweetness, and good for us if we find joy in what once was, but let’s not forget that before all our emotional ramblings over this memory, it had a life of its own–which was objective and a preview of the actual event, person, or feeling it captured.

Whatever comfort we find in memory, let us caution against getting swept up in it, and lingering in it.

This applies, too, to our faith.  Our rituals and sacraments do well to uphold the memory of something divine–Christ said to break bread and drink wine in memory of him–but let’s always be mindful that the formalities of our religion, no matter how pure and well-intentioned, are just stopovers.  We are there to renew ourselves and to make ourselves stronger, along with others who are on the same journey to a consistent and lively presencing of Christ everyday : sweeter beyond honey and all is his presence!

Today I made a decision to clean out distractions, and my biggest one has always been the internet.. will take an indefinite leave from the internet, then maybe slowly let it in again, as the need arises.. Top of head am thinking maybe a month, but I don’t know. Anything can happen 🙂

This is an experiment I’m doing for myself, so I can weed out what matters less, and work on what matters more. 🙂

Sharing where I am now, based on what’s been showing up on my notebooks lately:

Gouache on Paper, May 2010

Hugs always. Wherever you are and whatever is lighting up your eyes now, I wish you smiles in your heart everyday!